Number Of Options Left = #0

Good morning. Today my mind is heavy. I have many things racing through my head this morning. Like a horse track one thing creeps in front of the other but just for a minute, then something else is in the lead and over and over again.

I went to my surgeon yesterday evening. I get there and of course, in true doctor fashion he is running over an hour late. This gives me plenty of time to study each pre and post surgical patient sitting in the waiting room. Most are in casts or braces or slings of some kind. Being an orthopedic surgeon the inventory of his waiting room makes sense. Of all the casts and stitches in that waiting room one lady walked in on a fresh breeze with a smile on her face and she scared me to death. At the front desk I heard the words “hardware removal from right ankle May 12th” she replied “you bet”. It was all fine and dandy and I was admiring her handbag and how she seemed pleasant without a limp or cast of any kind, until she turned around…. this lady had a very fresh incision that started mid shin, travelled down her right shin to the base of her foot, then down under her ankle and around to her heel. It was being held together in most places by a very new, thin layer of skin but still looked very…… fresh. Not gonna lie, I almost passed out!!! I started to have labored breathing and I felt hot and cold and shaky… oh gosh here it comes, I’m going to faint. The sight of that huge incision which must have had at least 40 staples just removed made me very unwell.. then she got up and moved seats since the sun was beating on her back…. I narrowly averted quite the situation.

So my name gets called and I hobble into the back room. I’m sitting in the chair beside the bed, because the bed makes me feel like I’m sick.. I’m not sick, I’m just loosly held together right now. So the Dr comes over and his first words were “Hi Mrs. MacDougall how is that knee doing…. WOAH!” So the woah was when he actually looked at my knee, it’s pretty huge!! So huge in fact that I can’t wear jeans that don’t have stretch to them right now… and I don’t do skinny jeans, I’m 36! Anywho back to our conversation… it went something like this;

Dr – Well that is the biggest knee I’ve seen all day. What is going on there?

me- Not too sure, it was good for a month. When I was here last time it was regular size and I was walking fine and all was wonderful in the world.. then BAM… it insploded (I make up words all the time FYI)

Dr- Well Mendy unfortunately there isn’t a whole lot I can do for you. The reason it did this is because the anti-inflamitory and cortisone injections I gave you during surgery wore off, and wore off pretty fast at that.

Me – So what do we do?

Dr – Well we can go down the injection road for another while if you’d like. You can have a cortisone injection that will last you 30 days as this one did, and you can get that every three months… no sooner. Or we can maybe discuss the fact that you may be young, but this knee is done and it needs to be replaced. Those are your only options at this point. Its a very big and very serious surgery, recovery is long and hard, but worth it. After surgery every day gets a little better where as now, every day only has the potential to get a little worse.

This is when I started to cry, because I’m a big girly mush full of estrogen and frustration and tears…lol

me – Dr. I want this to be over. I’m done. Let’s do it.

So that’s what happened yesterday. Yesterday I decided it’s time to replace my knee…. and I’m TERRIFIED!!! I have to call today to make an appointment to discuss the in’s and out’s of this surgery.. I’ll keep you posted.

Until next time friends

xo

Face Talks…

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I decided to go to physio on Thursday to see what they can do to get this knee bending if anything at all. I got Olga the opinionated know it all physio therapist… NICE.

For the first 10 minutes of my 30 minute session Olga took it upon herself to try to convince me now is the time for a knee replacement. She explained to me what the pro’s are for this surgery and how not getting it done was taking quality of life away from my husband and son… I.M.A.G.I.N.E!!!  While I tried my very hardest to be professional and compassionate to the fact that in her mind, she was helping, I’m pretty sure although my words were nice, my face told her to fuck off!! Oops.

The thing that Olga doesn’t know is I’m a research junkie. I know exactly what a total knee replacement surgery entails as well as how long my stay in the hospital will be, what the rate of success and failure is among people my age who had it done, what kinds of knees are available… almost everything. What Olga doesn’t know is that every morning I wake up in pain, I can barely walk and it’s not because I think it’s a good friggin time! It’s because I NEED to try every single thing in my power before I do this surgery. It’s not a little surgery, they are removing my knee and putting in a metal one.. BIG DEAL FOLKS!!

After Olga finished her speel about how now is the right time and I should have been here 10 years ago and it isn’t fixable and what are my expectations exactly because there isn’t much she can do for me, I was furious… and although I’m pretty sure my words were, “Olga, I’ve considered my options very closely and my choice right now is physio, so although I’m apparently 10 years late for this appointment, let’s just get started here”  my face must have clearly said “Listen lady, don’t tell me what to do, you’re not the decision maker for me, now shut up and do your job” which of course I’d never say in a million years to a person… but I’m pretty sure my face said that because she was CLEARLY intimidated by me after I spoke up. She started stumbling over her words and closing her eyes while she was talking instead of making eye contact and did not seem comfortable at all. That was not my intention, however, I know I need it replaced. My dr tells me, my rheumy tells me, my os tells me… I promise I know.

I go back to physio on Thursday and I’m going to be empathetic to the fact that this lady is only trying to help.

As for the weekend, it was great. It was a long weekend here in Alberta Canada. We had a few friends over Friday and Saturday, then we got the pool up and our kitchen reno make some progress… All in all it was a great weekend to do outside things and enjoy the sunshine.

Knee is sore, knee is swollen, walking is hard, such is life…

Until next time friends

xo

What’s New… Where do I begin…

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Good morning internet! Well it’s been five months since I last posted, lots is new. My last post talked about how I couldn’t really feel my RA and I thought I was taking big meds for nothing… little did I know my RA was a tiger waiting in the tall grass for an opportunity to pounce on it’s prey.

I spent the better part of January and February in and out of doctors appointments, emergency rooms and hospitals,  I could barely walk. I ended up going in for surgery March 8th to try and do some clean up and repair my meniscus. Well it couldn’t be saved and he had to remove it all together.

The first month after surgery was fabulous. I even started working out again on my elliptical but it has been slowly getting worse since then and I’m back to hobbling around with more pain than I had before. My surgeon wants to do the knee replacement asap but I’m so scared. This is a pretty huge surgery. Go to sleep with a sore knee and wake up with a 10″ incision, 40 staples and still a sore knee doesn’t sound like my kind of time at all!! To be honest I’m chicken. I was nervous for the Arthroscopic surgery and I had three stitches when I woke.. this is MAJOR surgery with a few days stay in the hospital even. Nope… I’m not afraid to admit that just the thought of it makes me dizzy.

I asked my surgeon how will I know when I’m ready for this to happen, all I know is I’m for sure not ready right now. The surgeon told me that everyone’s max is different. What I may be able to tolerate may be someone else’s max. He said when you’ve hit your max, come see him and he will do the surgery. I am pretty sure I’m closer to ready now than I was before, but definitely not ready yet.

Does one ever mentally prepare for something like that… I guess there are two ways to look at this.. you can get lost in the surgical details and look at this as a partial amputation where they cut out your knee and bore holes in your bones and insert an implant…blah blah… details… OR you can decide that you’ve had enough and the road to recovery is long but there is an end. Every day I wake up with either or both views. It’s a tough one for me to wrap my head around.

What I do know is this, I’m VERY tired of having a sore knee. I don’t know what happens next.. I have three doctors appointments between now and June 7th… i’ll keep you posted.

Until next time friends,

Mendy